“When choosing a long-term partner, you are inevitably choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years”
Psychologist Dan Wile, After the Honeymoon.
Your marriage will be successful to the degree that the problems you choose are one’s that you can cope with. [Gottman, pg. 131]
Every relationship will have its share of issues to negotiate. While some may be small annoyances, others may have couples in complete conflict where there is non-stop arguing, or perhaps they have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device from the arguing. Despite what many therapists may say, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive! [Gottman, pg. 131]
Gottman has found that all marital conflict falls into two categories:
are either resolvable, or
which means that they will be a part of your relationship and be in your
life forever! Unfortunately,
Gottman says that 69% of marital conflicts fall into this category!
- The goal then becomes not about solving the problem, but learning to dialogue about the problem in a way that allows each partner to remain connected.