“When choosing a long-term partner, you are inevitably
choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with
for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years”
Psychologist Dan Wile, After
the Honeymoon.
Your marriage will be successful to the degree that the
problems you choose are one’s that you can cope with. [Gottman, pg. 131]
Every relationship will have its share of issues to negotiate. While some may be small annoyances, others may have couples in
complete conflict where there is non-stop arguing, or perhaps they have
distanced themselves from each other as a protective device from the
arguing. Despite what many therapists
may say, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your
marriage to thrive! [Gottman, pg. 131]
Gottman has found that all marital conflict falls
into two categories:
- They
are either resolvable, or
- Perpetual,
which means that they will be a part of your relationship and be in your
life forever! Unfortunately,
Gottman says that 69% of marital conflicts fall into this category!
- The goal then becomes not about solving the problem, but learning to dialogue about the problem in a way that allows each partner to remain connected.
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